Category: Uncategorized

Lessons

Sometimes you want to teach a lesson. Then you realize the only true lesson is living that lesson… no matter how hard it is to back off and watch it unfold…

You can share your lesson…

Remember your Momma is your momma. I will support you. Always. Your my girl. But I always want better than I chose at your age. I did this. Its your story to write. But I see you walking in my shoes, I want you to learn from my bumps. I wouldn’t change a moment but if I can change yours, I would change your heartbreak. Because I have not recovered from what your father did to me. I gave him my whole. I see you doing the same. But if you choose to move forward… I have your hand, forever in mine…

As a parent of grown children all I can do is hold their hand and give advice. I can no longer fight their battles. As a mom this moment SUCKS. I want to protect and I can’t. I can only support, because I love my babies more than they will know…

Dear Amy

Dear Amy,

In less than a month your son will be turning 3 years old. I have held onto him with all my love and strength since that fateful friday night at 3am when he was placed into my arms. You have missed out on so much in these last few months. He has grown in so many ways. And you have missed out. He is the happiest little boy and so smart. And you have missed out. He talks in sentences and is a spitfire when he wants to be. And you have missed out. He rides his 4-wheeler now, his monster truck as he calls it. And you have missed out. He has decided he wants a Mickey Mouse Roadster Racer party for his Big 3 party. And you will be missing out.

Today your son remembered. It has been months since that fateful day, but he remembered. “Mommy went to sleep and daddy cried because she wouldn’t wake up.” And today you missed out as we snuggled your son, hugged your son, loved your son and prayed that he remembers his mommy before she went to sleep forever.

And today you missed out. Because you chose to take heroin instead of living for your son.

I don’t know what pushed you to that choice. But I promise that your son will remember his mommy before she went to sleep.

I promise I will not fail him.

I promise not to miss out.

Today I Cried

This morning I literally cried. Cried because I was so tired. Cried because I felt as if I was failing as a mom. Failing because I was so tired I couldn’t see straight. All 3 littles were up and down throughout the night. Hubby was snoring so bad and also up and down, but never was up for the kids. And today was the girls first day of preschool, I should be excited, but I couldn’t even focus on more than not crying.

Sometimes being a mom is the absolute hardest job in the world. Only other moms know what I’m saying. But I had to keep moving forward. Keep my smile on, keep my cool(as best I can), be positive, be caring, be the momma I want to be. But I still cried. Alone so no one could see, because I always need to be strong. Even when I’m not.

Strength

Today my kind, smart, strong and beautiful baby girl swung by from college. The moment I saw her smiling face I knew something just wasn’t right, but she was surrounded by her littles and they wanted all her attention. Being the caring big sister she gave all her smiles, hugs and kisses to the 3 littles before her dad and I got our hugs. It was awhile before I got her semi-alone for a minute and when I did I asked the dreaded question, how is everything going after your first full week of college? She looked at me, said,”Good”. But I could see, it was far from good.

I just hugged her and let her vent. The start to her college experience hasn’t been the same as her friends, it has been stressful for more than just being a freshman not knowing anyone. She was feeling she didn’t fit in, not her team yet, not her peers. She had grown up in a county in Maryland that is known for its “People Tree”, different cultures, races, heritages all living together. She chose MSU because she loved the softball coach and they wanted her. She never thought for a second that because it was a predominantly African American college she would ever be made to feel uncomfortable because of where she was raised. But what she encountered was racism and that wasn’t something she was prepared for. After a good cry from both of us, we talked about how this experience she is going through and her next four years will be very eye opening. Most kids at MSU will accept her, because they like her see beyond the outer shell. But sadly there will be people that won’t, and sadly that is the reality of our world. We talked about college and it’s about what she makes of it. She is there to play softball and get her degree. She earned her position there and was recruited because they wanted her first. We talked about how strong she is as a woman and as a human. That she continues on her path, being humble and kind. But also to not take any shit, especially ignorance from anyone. That her momma loves her and is so proud of all the choices she has made for herself. That I know she has got this.

As a mom I wish I could just hold her and make all the wrong in the world go away. As a mom I know I have to let her fight her battles and learn from the moments. Its is the scariest thing being a mom sometimes.

Hold Tight

This past weekend both of my bigs went off to college. G back to NKU for his sophomore year and M to MSU for her freshman year. As any parent going through this will tell you, especially us moms, it is so hard to let go. So hard. Last year when G left I think I cried for 2 months. I’m barely keeping it together right now, especially with them both away. It’s the unknown that scares me. The what ifs… I know that their 20th century parents… (yes, me their stepdad, biological dad and their tough stepmother too)raised them to be strong, smart kids but that doesn’t stop my every waking moment of worry. I know I have a good relationship with them both, I know if they have concerns and don’t ask me, they have a huge supportive family to talk to. But it doesn’t change a mommas worry. To be accepted, peer pressure, stress of grades, sports performance… I worry.

It’s funny how every year since G & M were little I took a first day of school picture…. And now it’s a picture without a backpack, but one sending them away, a hug with me trying not to bawl my eyes out. Because, G hates when his mom cries and if I do it when M is there she will start to cry too. Hold It Together Momma! This year G’s dad and uncle L took him to school, he drove through the night 8hours and arrived at 4:30am in Kentucky. I slept awful that night because I kept checking in on him, damn you and love you Life 360 app! I can’t help it, I worry.

I was so excited to take M to school, best part is she is only 45 minutes from home, but still not at home. Her move in was absolutely the biggest cluster ever! It was unorganized with tons of kids, parents and exhaustion. With G I worry about all the normal things a mom worries about with her son. What I am finding out is that my worry for my daughter is very different, even though she is only 45 mins away. Not only is she a freshman, having all the normal freshman concerns but she is also for the first time seeing what it is like to be a minority. M has chosen to go to a predominately African American school, she got an amazing scholarship and loves the coach who recruited her. The minority status she has did not phase her in the least when she chose MSU, she has friends of all races but I know she must have worry, to be accepted in school is hard enough. I have worry, being a woman is hard enough, women are so mean to other women. I worry. My girl is so strong, she has proven over and over her strength to overcome setbacks, but that doesn’t change my worry. I know M is going to do amazing. Why? Because she never gives up, even when she thinks she might, she never does, she adapts, she overcomes, she dominates, she conquers.

Just as her brother has before her. Never gives in, works hard, proves his worth for him and no one else but himself. In the end the only things you truly have to answer to are yourself and God.

But Momma still worries, and never will stop.